All the Grown Up Feels
I found myself sitting in a very crowded camp gathering room, with musty smells, and a few people snickering while writing something down beside me. All of us were sitting on old folding chairs, or propped up against the wall, or sharing an old couch in the corner of the room while our fearless leader gave a talk that summer about the past ministry year of successes and seeing God move. I was at a retreat with our entire work team of about 150-200 people. We had been listening to talks all week, playing silly corporate games, different from most corporate games because we always got dirty or wet or possibly injured if you played hard enough (which all of us did.) Think of dodgeball in a big plastic ball, or spinning yourself around a bat with your head staying on the bat and then trying to hit the ball. I worked at this church for 23 years and every year we went away to plan for the ministry year, have some fun and get a vision for where we were headed. We worked hard and played hard and laughed hard everyday.
While crammed in and listening to the next talk, the snickering was about a list. Our notorious game maker staff person was compiling a list of the staff members in order of most likely to cry and least likely to cry. I saw the list and, no surprise, my name was not only towards the top, it was the name of the person most likely to cry. I had to check the list for the bottom to see who may never show emotions. The likely suspects were there as well. This brought great entertainment to us while trying to pay attention in the mid afternoon full stomachs and nappy feeling of the day.
I was not surprised I was at the top of this list. Not offended at all. But it was interesting to consider why. Why do some people show no emotion while others can’t help but let them spill out? I have always been an emotional person- passionate could be another word for it. Maybe an empath. I know other people who don’t seem to have emotions at all. They don’t smile. They don’t seem to get upset or overjoyed, just one note. Does it mean they don’t have the same feelings? Or are they just good at stuffing them down?
“O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before you.” Psalm 88:1
I have spent a lot of my adult life gradually learning and understanding about Emotional Intelligence. I personally think those words feel insulting and uninviting. Did you see how I used my emotions right there?! In all seriousness, I think saying, “emotional awareness” or “self regulation” or “feelings conscious” might describe it better and invite people to consider how to grow in it. It is hard to grow up in our feelings. Some of us don’t and it causes many problems in our adult lives. Navigating emotional growth is worth the work.
There are so many books out there on Emotional Intelligence. Many are overwhelming and some are easy to navigate. Let me give you a condensed version and, if you choose to explore more, I highly recommend it. First, let's learn a bit from Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves. According to their studies, there are four main areas to consider when determining your Emotional Intelligence: Self Awareness, Self Management, Social Awareness and Relationship Management. Let’s start with Self Awareness. This is the ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations. Plain speak- you know what motivates you, satisfies you and what pushes your buttons. Next is Self Management. What happens when you act, or do not act in a situation? This is your ability to use self awareness of your emotions to stay flexible and direct your behavior positively. Once you look at yourself, the next step is Social Awareness. This is your ability to accurately pick up on emotions in other people and understand what is really going on with them. It is easy to get caught up in your own emotions and not pay attention to what is happening with others, but paying attention to both is the real trick to social awareness. The final piece to our emotional intelligence is Relationship Management. This is the ability to use your awareness of your own emotions, and those of others to manage interactions successfully.
All of this sounds like a lot to pay attention to in a simple situation. Now try navigating it under stressful ones. If we mix our personal traumas or past experiences, it can really make it difficult to operate in all these areas effectively. Our emotions impact us in our personal lives with our spouse, our family and even friendships. Of course, this impacts our work and the way we manage ourselves with our boss and co-workers as well.
Let’s analyze ourselves here vs. thinking about all the crazy people we know that could use this work. I know, I have many that came to mind too. I’m going to give you a few scenarios to determine what you would likely do and see if you can name your feelings in them:
You are at work, and spent a lot of time on a project you just finished. Now your boss changed their mind, and doesn’t want to use your work. They switch you to a completely different project. How did it make you feel? What is your internal voice saying? How do you respond to your boss? With your co-workers?
You are at a family gathering and someone takes up most of the family event talking about their own life drama and you don’t get to share anything about your life. No one even asks. Do you feel unseen? Are you frustrated? How do you process those feelings? Do you do or say anything?
You just got your taxes done and find out you get a sizable refund back. You are so excited you call your brother to share the good news and he shares he is in the process of filing for bankruptcy. What were your feelings? Did they change when you interacted with your brother? How? What was his response? What was yours?
Last one, and it might start wars here– You just watched the news and the political leader you don’t like made a decision you are very upset about. You and your roommate have differing views on politics. What is your initial reaction? How do you respond under the circumstances? Do you control your emotions or let them out? How do you express them?
Being aware of our feelings and how we present ourselves is critical in all areas of our lives and true everyday. So how do we start moving in the area of self awareness to grow up in our emotional intelligence? I am no expert. In fact I think the last few years have given me a look back to all the ways I wish I would have expressed my feelings differently. So, let me be a voice of reason.
The first step in being more self aware is to know where you are. Identifying feelings is a great place to start. Just spend your week noticing in various situations how you are feeling. Can you name your feeling? Is there a hidden feeling behind it? Are you frustrated or angry about something and as you think about it, you realize you are actually hurt by something? Maybe you journal about your feelings each night just to have a moment to process them. If you pray, ask God to help you navigate those feelings, good or bad. Give God your highs and lows of the day.
Next, I recommend you start to notice how you react in various situations. Maybe pick a week at a time to process these. As you go about your week, consider why you reacted as you did. Are you someone who has quick negative reactions? Are you very vocal? Or do you stuff any feelings as situations unfold? You might even shrink in response to someone else’s strong reactions. We all tend to move in 2 ways: we either react or tend to flee by being silent, removing ourselves or letting our feelings out later in another way. Pay close attention to how you show up and if you are able to control it.
In the next week, take time to assess how others around you are feeling. Some of us are very aware of others' feelings and reactions. Others are not as wired to pay attention to others. Try to be more aware. Note what someone else was feeling or responding to in a few situations. Maybe it is your spouse? Maybe you notice your friend’s reaction to something you share with them?
In the last week of your tracking, try paying attention to the cause and effect of your emotions and reactions alongside others’ emotions and reactions. Just note what stands out to you. Any cause and effect in meetings at work? Does someone’s actions make you react in a certain way? Can you make yourself have a different reaction?
Back to my experience in that summer meeting and knowing I am a highly emotional person. I have been on a journey to understand more about why I am feeling as I am in situations. I can learn how to control my emotions, based on the environments I am in, and navigate how I respond. I will give you an example. I find myself in a conversation where someone is really upset about how their child is doing adulting after college. They are very upset. I can easily cry right along with them and assume they have the same feelings I did as our girls were experiencing that season of their lives. OR I can slow my feelings of angst, stress, protectiveness, regret and listen to the other person. I can hear how they are feeling and match my level of response and reaction to match theirs. IF they ask for my advice, I can share something from my experience.
I believe God made all of us unique and that includes how we process our feelings. He also talks often about us growing up in our faith. I believe that includes how we grow up in our feelings and how we interact with others around us.
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ…” Ephesians 4:15
Here are some practical next steps for you to grow in Emotional Intelligence:
Take the Emotional Intelligence Quiz Here and consider where you are in each area.
Spend some time doing the weeks of noticing and journaling in the article. See what you discover about yourself.
Ask God to grow you in your emotions. Seek his guidance in the Bible by looking up the feelings you experience most and see what scripture says about them.
Hire me as a life coach to help you discover and grow in this area of your life Loristansbury.com
