How Do You Feel about Empty Nesting?
My friends and I end up on this topic all the time. I honestly don’t know if there is a bigger transition in a woman’s life than becoming an empty nester. Well…maybe perimenopause gives it some competition! The emotional rollercoaster may be the same.
So why is this season so difficult?
If I were to guess, I would say much of our identity gets caught up in being a mom. From the day your children were born, they literally were attached to you. You spent most of your time awake and outside of work, feeding, getting them supplies, carting them places, making sure they turned into great human beings.
It is exhausting. It is also some of the most rewarding work you’ll ever do.
Then, one day, they leave.
Can’t your children see, as they hit those late teen years, that this will be hard on you? That they needed you at their beck and call. That you rescued them from so many emotional life of death situations? You would think they would walk around in eternal gratitude for all you have done for them and sacrificed yourself.
But- that is not how most teens are leaving the nest and heading to college or their next adventure.
It might go more like this– “Can we go shopping for my dorm room? My roommate wants our bedding stuff to match.” Kids are wired to grow up and become independent. That doesn’t make it easy. It is hard for both, but today, I am going to focus on the moms.
If you find yourself crying often…
If you aren’t sure what your life will look like after college move-in day…
If you question who you really are now since no one needs you…
YOU are not alone! You are normal.
The question becomes– “What do you want to do about it?”
Let’s unpack this a bit more.
“It is time to launch your kids, not latch on to them.”
Identity Crisis
When you children leave the home for college, or to permanently be out on their own, it does something to us. We feel like a piece of us just left. Most of who we are to those closest to us is “Mom.” We have fed, sheltered, clothed, and taught them how to be good humans. We have sacrificed most of the rest of who we are, aside from our careers, to do just that. So, when that is taken away from our resume, we tend to have a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I now? What will I do with my time? How will people see my value?
We may even start to question things we haven’t questioned before. Like, “Who is this man I am married to and what do we have in common?” Or “Do I really like my current job?” It takes us into feelings of doubt about who we are.
The question to start with is “Who are you besides being a mom?” If you don’t have a clear answer to that, start with making a list. Write down what you know. I’m a great wife. I am a good friend to Sue and Janet. I am great at organizing things. I used to love to throw parties for my friends but I have gotten away from that. Just keep listing them out. It doesn’t have to be a wow list, just a list of who you are. It doesn’t even have to be things you are currently putting into use. Just remind yourself who you have been and who you are.
|
Now, think about who you are to other people. Not just your kids.
Are you a helper?
Are you a problem solver?
A peacemaker?
Noticing who you are to others can help you see more of who you are as well.
Now, try taking a step in a direction you haven’t thought about in awhile. If you like to help people, is there a place you could volunteer that uses your skills and helps you meet some new people? Or hang out with others you already know?
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Loneliness
As a mom, we are usually happiest when all of our family is home and enjoying each other. It just makes you feel all is right with the world. But when any one of our family is missing, something feels off. When someone moves out, it feels a bit emptier. There is a silence you notice that others may not see. Silence in your home can be defining. It becomes harder the more you think about it.
To start fighting the loneliness you may feel—look for ways to break the silence. Play music or leave the TV on. These are great ways to ease into it. Play YOUR music, watch what YOU want to watch. This is your chance, with your child gone to gain that freedom. Look at your calendar and find something to replace the times that are empty without that child. Maybe you plan a happy hour with a friend for the time you would usually be taking your son to practice. Maybe you join a book club on a night your family would normally be at your daughter’s volleyball game? Think about starting a small group of women in your home to fill that silence with laughter and conversation.
You may still have kids in your home after this child leaves. Take the time to make special memories everyday with that child while they are still in your home. They may be missing their brother or sister as well. Your spouse may quietly be experiencing the same loneliness and not be expressing it. Try building a date night into your calendar to grow your relationship with your spouse now that one person isn’t needing as much of your time.
Lack of Purpose
I mentioned identity earlier when it comes to watching your child leave the nest. Identity and purpose are closely aligned but different. Identity says, “Who am I?,” where purpose looks more at “What am I accomplishing or what meaning is there in my life?” Both are valid questions we asked ourselves at the crossroads of our lives. Launching our children is one of those key times.
Now that your child is out of the house, what will you spend your time doing? What if they don’t need you anymore? What else could you do with your life? Starting with who you are is a great start. That is grounding yourself in your true identity. Then, it is a matter of realizing where you are in life and what your options might be.
You have had a great purpose raising your child. Your role now moves into coaching your child and seeing what God may have in addition to raising your children. He may want you to focus more on work and take that promotion. He may want you to explore hobbies you haven’t had time for. Maybe there is a great cause that needs you to help raise money or help solve a problem?
Start by considering what your options are. Make a dream list of all the possible things you could do. Don’t edit it right away.
Here’s an example: Go to an amusement park with a friend, volunteer at a local shelter, get a new certification in your line of work, try making sourdough bread, take up running, plant a garden, take some cooking classes, and read a new book each month. Once you have a list, sit on it for a bit and see what keeps creeping into your mind to do. Then, make a plan to do it.
Stuck
After your child has gone off to college, you spend some time figuring out what to do. You may still find yourself feeling stuck. Unable to take the next step. You may feel like your body just moves in the same rut and you can’t seem to get out of it. Sometimes when we land here, the only thing we can do is to try something new.
The same thing done over and over is the definition of insanity.
So let’s try something you haven’t thought of before. Get out of your comfort zone. Find something that brings a spark of joy to you.
The first thing I would recommend is to hand your kid over to God. I know this sounds weird. But, you have been in control of this child since they were born and it is now time to trust God to watch over them when you can’t. Set time each day or week and just pray for them. Ask God to give them good discernment and build strong friendships. Try to see what God may be prompting you to pray for. It will change how you feel.
Second, find others who are also mourning the loss of their child leaving home. Plan a trip with those soccer moms you sat with for 10 years at games. You may have more fun on your own than on the road for the soccer tournaments you bonded over.
Third, spend some time reading books or listening to podcasts on the subject of raising adult kids. Learning more about this stage of life is a great way to ease your mind and realize you are not alone. You will soon discover that all kids have to launch from their parents at some point. They will try and fail many times while growing into successful adulthood. And, as they do, let them do it. And–Be there to encourage them.
Last, try being a mentor to a younger mom who is where you were a few years ago. Be a voice of wisdom and encourage them on their journey. Sometimes seeing how far we have come is all we need to be ready to move to the next stage in our lives.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” -Proverbs 22:6
