Not a Real Mom

Is celebrating Mother’s Day hard for you?

Ever since I was little all I wanted to be was a mom. I played with dolls and Barbies. I babysat all the kids in the neighborhood. I volunteered in the kids’ programs at churches I attended. Fast forward to adulthood. I was single throughout my twenties and miserable about not finding Mr. Right to share my life and build a family with. I wasn’t really sure why I wasn’t married and so confused in trying to follow God. I was a Christian who read my Bible and prayed to God. I attended church on the weekends. I could even quote the verse Psalm 37:4 that says, “Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I have to admit, that is what I thought I was doing. It is also the American dream. More like the American way. That’s what people do. Grow up, get married and go to college. When college was over, you got married and then started a family. (OK I am dating myself here because 30 is the new 24 with that plan.)

In my early thirties, I met and married my husband. You would think my plan was in place and finally moving forward right? Not exactly. We dated for over 4 years for a few reasons before deciding to marry. But, the main one was kids; he had a daughter and wasn’t going to have more kids. I desperately wanted them. So why would I date him? I felt a strong nudge from God that this was the right man for me to marry. It was so confusing. We were so happy in our marriage and I loved my step-daughter. Being a bonus mom is a great thing! I still had that desire to have my own child. I won’t lie, it hurt to realize I would never have “the desires of my heart”, even though I thought God put them there. So why would He put me with a man who wasn’t having more kids? 

I moved into full time ministry leading Kids’ Club at Crossroads Church for many years. I wondered if this was the answer to my desire to have kids. It made me so happy and fulfilled for many years. But it still didn’t make me complete. I felt like Hannah in 1 Samuel when she went to the temple to pray, and cried in anguish. I also hated being at church on Mother’s Day. Everyone would walk by and say, “Happy Mother’s Day” to me. It seems, after a woman reaches a certain age, it is assumed that she is a mom.

After some time, it seemed right to move out of the ministry with kids if I wasn’t going to have them myself. As I processed through leaving that role, I was amazed at what God started showing me. I almost feel like God had been waiting for me to finally pay attention to what He wanted to reveal to me. First, I realized my identity was wrapped up in my role with children at church. I needed to let that go and discover who I was outside what I did in ministry, or for a job. That took some deep work with God, a life coach, my counselor, and time. Second, I had to lay down the idea that I would give birth to my own children. This meant wrestling with God, questioning His plan, and crying so many tears. It was also a hard season for my husband who felt a sense of responsibility for my sadness. Third, I had to be open to what God might have for me instead. I spent so many nights and mornings on my knees asking Him to show me what he wanted instead. Had I sinned and my punishment was no kids? Did God love me less than others and that was the reason I would be barren? Would I have been a bad mom and God was sparing my children? Would my step-daughter have felt left out because my child would have lived with us but she would only be around part of the time? Believe me, My head was constantly spinning with uncertainty and discontent. 

My new plan was to just start praying. My husband prayed separately for what God had in mind. James 1:5-6 tells us, when we don’t know what to pray, be bold. Ask and assume God will give you direction. As we prayed, my heart began to change. I laid down the idea of having kids of our own, and my heart began to grow for kids of all ages who were already in my life.. I think, in that season, God was shaping our hearts to become “spiritual parents”. It was exciting to see what God was doing. I thought back to the verse I mentioned earlier, - Psalm 37:4, and when I really look at that chapter, I believe God is saying that when we align ourselves with him, he will give us the desires of our hearts because our heart beats with his. We are with God in heart and are both desiring the same thing. That began to happen to my husband and me- and our hearts were aligning as well! During my time leading student ministry, I met two young twin sisters whose lives were full of “domestic turmoil.” Upon turning seventeen, their mother’s new marriage brought so much upheaval into their lives that she asked for our help to take them in. Over the course of a few months, and many more details I will leave out, we were awarded custody of our girls and began parenting together. It healed something big in our hearts and gave our daughters a safe place to land and grow into adulthood. 

 Over the next few years, we had 4 other “adult kids” who we grew very close to, so we created an amazing little family where we have shared so many meals, nights by the firepit, and even a vacation. God was growing my ability to see that He had kids for me all along. They were just not my DNA and maybe a different age than that baby I thought I would hold or grow inside me. Our kids needed us for conversations about faith, finances, relationships and more. Galatians 4:27 says, For it is written: “Be glad, barren woman, you who never bore a child; shout for joy and cry aloud, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband.”

Today, many years later, I am truly satisfied with my family which consists of a step daughter, twins we adopted into our family, and nine other kids and their spouses. Our complete family now includes 12 kids and 10 grandkids. 

This Mother’s Day I can honestly say I love being around people and embracing my role as a mom. If this story hits your heart because Mother’s Day is hard for you, I get it. I encourage you to see what God might have for you in the waiting– perhaps something far better than your heart’s desires.