How to be a Good Caregiver
First can I just say “CANCER SUCKS.” I may never be ready to hear, “It looks like cancer.” That happened to my husband just a few weeks ago. It was a shock when we didn't know anything was wrong. It is another thing when this is the third journey with a different kind of cancer found. Our last 10 years have been full of cancer treatments, knee replacements, random trips to the OR and pain management seasons. But 2025 has been a year of joy with none of those things impacting us. A refreshing time to enjoy health, no big medical bills and opportunities to find new adventures.
Hearing this list of valleys, might make you think we are sitting around crying, and worrying that we should get Dave’s affairs in order. We aren’t. We are grateful for the time we have had in this year of health. We are grateful the doctor found his cancer early, and that it looks contained. We are grateful to have time, resources and a community of people to care for us as we go through this.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
As we look toward his treatment plan, I am reminded of all the times I have been the caregiver for my husband. They have all been different experiences, and needs, but there are enough commonalities that I think sharing what I have learned may help others going through something similar. Take note caregivers:
1. Know the person
My first observation is that everyone is different in how they handle health problems. `Some of us would prefer to be alone and not let others see our pain or know what is happening. Others post about it on social media and want their community to go on the journey with them. Sometimes it depends on the pain level or severity of their situation. Being in tune with what that person is feeling and what they want is the first step in being a good caregiver. In my husband’s last journey with cancer, the pain was so great that eating, having people over, or sharing much of his journey would just add to the pain he was going through. Other times, we have welcomed the community on the journey and welcomed the jokes, gifts and yard signs. I need to adjust my care giving approach based on the situation, and the person going through it. That can also change in the midst of their illness, if the patient gets good or bad news as their treatments or recovery progresses.
2. Find things that bless them
When things are hard, whether emotionally or physically, we can all benefit from being blessed by an unexpected surprise. (Unless you don’t like surprises and, let’s be honest, everyone should love surprises.) I look for the things that will comfort the person or lift their spirits. It may be a cookie from their favorite bakery. It might be an ugly ornament that just makes them laugh. Or it could be a visit from one of their kids or a good friend just to brighten their day. It may be as simple as getting them a fresh blanket. Make a list of the things that person enjoys most and see what ideas it sparks. What is possible to do in their current situation?
3. Be available to listen or process
This is not the time for you to process your feelings. You need to find other people to share your feelings with, so that you can be fully present for this person. I try to be available to listen if the patient is having a bad day or just going through a tough experience. It could be claustrophobia from an MRI, or the loss of being able to attend something they really didn’t want to miss but couldn’t physically be present. Sometimes you don’t see these moments coming. All of a sudden, they are sad, or in pain. You need to adjust yourself to their needs and be present. Availability and listening are key. Some reflective questions you could ask might be, “How are you doing this week with your progress?” or “You seem down today, do you want to talk about it? I may not be able to fix it but I can listen.”
4. Take care of things they worry about
Maybe this one is just for my husband, but consider the things that person usually does or care most about. Maybe they do the laundry or pay the bills? Are they the one to shovel snow if we get a storm? Whatever those things are, work on a back up plan to get them covered while that person is down. Or- you may be trying to stop them from trying to do it themselves.Maybe there are things you could do, but you can also ask a friend or family member in your community to step in. They would likely be thrilled to know how to specifically help. We have scheduled friends to walk a dog or clean the house just so my husband doesn’t try to do it himself. It also helps him knowing someone else is planning to do it for us. The gift of taking “worries” off their plate is big. This allows your loved ones to focus on rest and recovery.
5. Don’t let them go to big appointments on their own
I learned this one the hard way when I had cancer years ago.Sometimes at a routine check-in or treatment appointment, a patient will receive a piece of bad news. I would get a test result or find out I had to have more radiation than I thought and would be there alone with no one to process what I just heard. Always having someone there to drive, or be with you, assures that you aren’t surprised by bad news with no one there to support you. If you can’t go with them, see if a friend can at least drive them.
6. Don’t rely on yourself, rely on God
None of us can plan for certain how our lives will turn out. We can’t predict the health journey we will go through. We don’t even know when we will come up against a season where we need to play the role of a caregiver. But we can choose to trust God in all our circumstances. Going to God daily with your feelings and requests is the best way to survive it. God is with us through it all and He is big enough to take all your feelings and needs. I like to worship each day, journal how I am feeling, and look to scripture for inspiration. Staying in a position of gratitude for all that I have each day also helps.
Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
If you or someone you love is going through a tough health season or is a caregiver for a loved one, here are some right now action steps:
Join a Facebook support group for others with the same conditions you or your loved one are facing.
There are so many books out there to learn about how to get through caring for a loved one. There are also devotionals. Search books on “Caregiving.”
If you live in the Cincinnati area, there is a support group called “Conquering Cancer: How to survive the Storm” that meets monthly at Eastside Crossroads. The next meeting is January 29th at 7pm.
I can offer some coaching, as someone who has lived through many caregiving scenarios and personal experiences with health conditions. Loristansbury.com
