Living a Disciplined Life
“Maybe you are just not a disciplined person?” Those words stung. My boss had just asked me this question in my weekly 1:1 meeting while discussing my work progress and how I was doing personally. This was a regular process in my ministry job. It normally helped me feel good about the work progress I was making and how I was growing closer to God personally and in my leadership. But those words? They pissed me off. Why? Because I was a disciplined person and he read me wrong? Because he had no right to ask that question? Or because I wanted people to think I was disciplined, but deep down I hated all structure and regulations? What context would make someone say that to you?
To be honest, I really don’t remember what context started that conversation, but the question has stuck with me for over 20 years. There are all types of people and some of us are not wired to be the most disciplined and structured individuals. We are more free spirited and creative. Going with the flow. Others of us are planners, list makers and have every area of our lives buttoned up. And, there are many of us in between. So again, why did this question rub me the wrong way? I think it had more to do with me taking a good look at the areas of my life that I needed to look at, and decide if I should build some disciplines where I needed to have structure or where God wanted to grow me but I needed to allow Him in. That could look like building a friendship, tithing, fasting, getting out of debt. Not sure which of those it may have been at that time.
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” Proverbs 12:1
The new year always brings the feeling that we should all make new year’s resolutions and set big goals for our lives. Most of us hit week 3 or 4 of January and we are done with it. Whether we are trying “Dry January” or hitting the gym 5 days a week, our normal patterns start to rear their ugly heads. Why? Why is it so hard to make these goals and why is it so hard to stay on track? It should not be this hard.
Throughout my life I have had a love/hate relationship with discipline. I think most of my life, I have been someone who likes to keep things organized. I make lists, I plan things far in advance, and I don’t like collecting too much junk. I would say I am a pretty disciplined person. I drove my sister nuts trying to keep our room organized while we were growing up. Roommates were usually less interested in keeping the dishes clean or organizing the fridge than I was. Our kids definitely did not have the same definition of clean. My car still looks new after 10 years of use. I was always cleaning or rearranging things at home or at work, looking to create a clean, organized, and good flow.
When it comes to exercise and eating well, that is a whole different story for me. Until my metabolism changed at age 40, I was able to eat whatever I wanted, not hit the gym, and kept a great figure- staying healthy. I have never been one to enjoy sports, sweating or the gym. I learned to eat from all the basic four food groups. The habits I formed over the years have been extremely hard to change. I have spent several years trying to make resolutions about the gym or an exercise class. Or a couch to 5K. Every single one of them failed in a matter of weeks if not months. Why? Because I really didn’t care about my body? The motivation wasn’t strong enough. I was still thin and healthy. There was no real push to make me focus on it. As I have aged, my weight has gone up and that has been one of the hardest things in which to build disciplines.
When it comes to work, I have no problem being a disciplined person. In fact, I am likely frustrated with people on my team who aren’t focused and disciplined in accomplishing what we are there to do. Meetings are the worst. If you have a set time and topic, why spend 20 minutes of the meeting shooting the breeze instead of just getting down to business. I set goals. I look for ways to improve systems and operations. I hold tightly to a budget. I build plans to develop people on my team. How did I get so disciplined in this area of my life and not in so many other areas?
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
My whole life I have enjoyed learning new things and trying new experiences. You would think I would be that natural learner and like to read books. Not so. I wasn’t a bad reader as a kid but only read what was assigned to me rather than reading for pleasure. As an adult, I have grown in my reading ability. In part, I want to know more things. I also had a few things that sparked my interest in growing in reading. At one of my previous jobs, I was constantly receiving new books people recommended. Too many to read all at once! I received a tip from someone to read the book until you got what you wanted from it OR ask the person recommending it, what chapter did you like the most? Read that chapter and if you like the book, finish it. Over the next several years, I built up the ability to read about a book a month–mostly leadership and books for work, but it helped me in reading everything. When my step-daughter was young, she was required to read 20 minutes a day. Each time she was at our house, I read something while she did. It might have been a magazine, or it could have been a self help book. Over time, both of those influences helped me become more of a disciplined reader. Today, I read 2-3 books a month and enjoy looking for more to read and learn.
There is scientific evidence that tells us why we have such a difficult time making goals, or creating changes of disciplines in our lives. Building a discipline or a change requires a shift in behavior. Our brain prefers efficiency. It prefers minimizing the cognitive load. So automatic behaviors or habits are more natural for our brain to process. Changing behaviors requires significant energy between several complex brain regions. It is taxing and our brain prefers to revert back to the comfortable status quo. The other reason is that habit forming takes time. It takes an average of 66 days or more for a new behavior to become automatic. We get tired of the energy needed to essentially retrain our brain and we go back to already established brain patterns. (AI referenced)
“Stop asking what to accomplish. Start asking who you want to become.”- Chester H. Sunde Psy.D
Since that conversation with my boss all those years ago, I have built a healthy habit of pausing every once in a while. I take a day or a retreat to pause- look back on where I have been in that time frame and to look ahead. I consider what area of my life God is asking me to grow in and what disciplines will allow me to do that. Those disciplines create a habit. That habit helps me change my life to permanently operate in the way I want to and how I think God wants me to.
Over the last several years, those times to pause and consider what goals to make, habits to change, or areas to explore in my life have been amazing. They have helped me adopt children, get through tough financial times, heal from grief, and decide to leave a job and start a new business. The list goes on and on. Each time, it took identifying what I was going through, asking God to help me see what needed to change or grow, and making a plan. Once I had a plan or goal, I then made smaller goals and action steps to accomplish it. That is when the hard part kicks in: actually doing the action steps, sticking with it, and seeing real lasting change happen.
Maybe you have some things rolling around in your head from all that I just shared? Are you having trouble putting it into an action plan you think you can follow and stick with? Here are a few ideas for you to get you started:
Pick something small to try as you work toward building a habit. Take a walk everyday for a week. Start taking a vitamin. Give money once to an organization of your choice.
Make a list of the things in your life that you would like to be more disciplined in. Don’t write down more than 8 or 10. (You are more likely to attain your goals if you set fewer of them. Build over time.)
Book a Life Assessment Session with me at Loristansbury.com under book an appointment. We can work towards what goals are most important to you and help you start your new year making them happen.
